I Want A Good Clean Fight

In every relationship, there will be confrontations. We are all human beings. No two people see everything from the same point of view. That is a good and healthy thing! I believe that is why God joins His children together, in the seemingly strange combinations He does. There should be a healthy amount of friction in every relationship. Proverbs 27:17 states “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” God designed us to have different points of view. This helps us refine our marriages, friendships, children etc. 

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So how does this help us when we are in conflict? Let’s look at a practical example. In a boxing match, the referee reviews the rules of the fight with the combatants before the fight. He tells both of the participants the exact same set of rules. This is to ensure there is a fair, clean fight. Imagine what would happen if the referee used two different sets of rules. What If one person was using boxing rules but the other was using the rules of mixed martial arts? This would give one person a huge advantage over the other.

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Well, in marriage, we have to make sure we both are playing by the same rules. The goal in marriage, when there is a conflict, should be to resolve our differences peaceably and amicably. Too many people approach conflict as an opportunity to prove they are right or attempt to gain the upper hand. If your goal is to assert your dominance over your spouse, I can pretty much guarantee you will not like the outcome of this. So let’s establish a couple of ground rules every couple should consider adopting in their own marriage.

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1) We are on the same team

Marriage is a union that is a direct representation of the union between God and the church (His bride). Ephesians 5:20 states, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” You are to treat your spouse in the same manner in which you would have reverence for Christ. Jesus never forces His will on anyone. Ephesians 5:25-28 states “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.”

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He who loves his wife loves himself.

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This means, husbands, it is our responsibility to ensure we are guiding these disagreements in a way that is bringing life and holiness to our home. We’ll get more into this in another lesson later.  

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2) No hitting below the belt. 

There are things we know about each other; Intimate things. Things that should be used to bring us closer to each other. When we operate out of brokenness, we know there are things we can say to trigger our spouses. Using those things to gain the advantage in a discussion is not just a low blow but can begin to break trust in a relationship. Any time you bring in something that is not directly related to the situation or you attempt to manipulate the outcome, that’s off limits or out of bounds. NO EXCEPTIONS!

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3) Remember that you love each other

Sometimes we can lose sight of what our disagreements are about and we tend to conflate our grievances with our spouse as a person. As I’m sure you already know, after the honeymoon phase, there is  going to be something your babe does that just grinds your gears. Remember what brought you two together in the first place. Forgetting to lower the toilet seat or leaving her hair in the sink, doesn’t mean they no longer love you. These are opportunities for a marriage development session! When you recognize you are getting annoyed about a habit that just seemed to pop out of nowhere, now is the time to let your spouse know before it turns into a festering sore.

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